Saturday: March 24, 2012

I walked out of the Moon Beam Chamber a semi-free man this morning after successfully completing 40 radiation treatments without  my molecular structure transported to a strange and frightening place. You know, somewhere like Detroit.

While I can't say I'm giddy, I am relieved. 

I think I mentioned previously there is a small ceremony the staff holds when a patient's treatment ends. It involves ringing a bell and reciting a poem. I made it clear to everyone there would be no bell ringing.

I'm a baseball coach from the old school, which means I strictly adhere to all of the game's time-honored traditions . One of those traditions is, regardless of whether you're losing by 20 runs or winning by 20 runs, you don't pack up the equipment until after the last out has been made.

If you're losing, it looks defeatist. Whenever you have outs left, you have life. And even if you're way ahead, you don't tempt the baseball gods, who lurk behind dugouts, eager to crush your double-knitted souls for any show of arrogance.

I've made it abundantly clear what I think of baseball and its meaning in my life. I think the same rules apply in regards to treatment. Take no chances.

  

So where do we go from here? Extending the analogy, I guess it's wherever I need to go to stay in the ball game.
  

I met yesterday afternoon with a psychiatric social worker at Kaiser. The nice way to describe how I've been feeling is "a bit down." The more accurate version is I feel like a badly whipped cur. The current condition of my life has me awfully depressed.
 

The social worker spent most of the 50-minute session getting to know me, asking questions and exploring what's left of my mind. She didn't have any real advice, other than to pull up links on her computer to a Kaiser web site where you can download recordings about guided imagery.

I'm skeptical guided imagery can help me. I'm flying blind.
 

I told her I wanted help on how to deal with so much uncertainty, she recommended that I live "one day at a time."
  

Out of politeness, I agreed to another visit in a week, but I'm not going back. A week is too far away. After all, I really am living one day at a time.